Gracie would be 4 years old tomorrow April 14th. What should we be doing? Right now I should be planning a little girl birthday party for her. Perhaps a princess party? Doc McStuffins? Minnie Mouse? Maybe she’d like soccer or TMNT like her big brother? Geoff and I should be picking out the perfect gift for our 4-year-old little girl. What would that be? The hard part is I don’t have answers for these questions.
Instead of knowing and planning our little girl’s 4th birthday party with friends and family, I’ve got to figure out how to plan her birthday without her here. Many of you may ask “why do anything if it’s so hard on you”? But Gracie has a big brother who has already asked what we are going to do to celebrate her birthday. It was also a pretty big day in our lives. The day our little girl was born. Our family will always know this day and we will always try to remember her on this day the way we think she would want to be remembered.
On her second birthday we had a parade and party here at our house. That was difficult. It was a beautiful celebration, but it was hard to hold back tears when singing to her and celebrating without her here, without seeing that 2 year old face.
Her 3rd birthday was nice. We knew we couldn’t have a party here because it was just too hard. Instead we went to the Albany Ronald McDonald House and cooked in her honor. No cake, no singing, no parties. Just doing something that gives back in her name. It was perfect.
Her 4th birthday is here. And quite honestly it snuck up on us. Just a few days ago all the questions of how to celebrate came to mind. This year I’m really missing Gracie and the thought of what she would be doing at 4 years old is really getting to me. I’d prefer to celebrate by crawling under a blanket, but like I said I’ve got a family that wants to know how we will celebrate her birthday and like I said before it is an important day~ it’s the day we brought Gracie into this world. It may not be a “happy” birthday, but it is still her birthday. It’s just a struggle to know how to celebrate when your child is deceased.
When loved ones pass away, the holidays that used to bring so much love and happiness- Easter, Christmas, birthdays- leave you feeling a little lost and with an empty feeling. We learn to manage our feelings and pain on these days to show everyone we are strong and starting to live life without feeling so sad. Each passing year it is easier to do this, but the pain is still there.
So this year on Gracie’s birthday I think we will go to her site, spend some time there, bring some pretty flowers, release a few balloons, eat her favorite candy bar- crunch bars in her memory. We will imagine and dream about what Gracie would be doing on this day…. I will think of her wearing a pretty birthday dress, smiling, laughing, blowing out 4 candles on her cake, playing, running, hugging us, kissing us, happy, healthy and cancer free. I can only hope these thoughts will come alive in the most vivid dream of her that I can possibly have. Love you Gracie! I can’t believe you’re 4 years old. Happy 4th birthday my baby girl <3.