January. The month I dread. After New Years a high level of anxiety sets in. January 17th is 16 days away, 15 days away, 14 days away…. January 17th is the day Gracie died. How are we going to handle the days leading up to that day and that day itself? The memories of the last few weeks we had with Gracie come floating back in. The fear we had, the fear Gracie had. A month filled with sad eyes, tear-filled eyes, lots of painful tears from Gracie and mommy and daddy and Luke. Realizing she does not want to eat or drink anymore and hooking her up to IV fluids. Seeing her very thin, bone protruding body. The CT scans- the picture that determines if the treatment is working. The realization that it’s not, instead it’s making my daughter even sicker. It’s making her suffer. The final decision to stop treatment, being told Gracie is going to die. Watching my baby sink into a deep sleep on morphine to take the pain away. No more diaper changes, no more bottles… all I can do is hold her. So many choices you never want to make as a parent…. Still wondering if we made the right choices… A time filled with so many haunting, harsh memories and an endless, heartbreaking pain that cannot be fixed.

OR

January. The month I will cherish forever. How will we celebrate Gracie’s angel day? January 17th is the day my daughter left this Earth and went to heaven. The memories of her last few weeks come floating back in. Her big blue eyes, the endless snuggles we had. She was an awesome snuggler! The singing and dancing together, sitting and rocking by warm fires, playing with the Christmas boxes as we took down the tree. I can still see big smiles from Gracie, mommy, daddy and Luke, along with giggling and babbling and the words “mama” and “dada” coming from Gracie. Watching our favorite Barney videos together… “oh mister sun, sun, mister golden sun…” Sleeping together, always with her bunny and binkie ☺, staring into that beautiful face until we both fell asleep. Many friends and family holding, loving and saying goodbyes to Gracie one last time. Luke kissing his sister goodnight and telling her he loves her. Baxter, our dog laying his head on Gracie’s belly one last time as if he knew what was going to happen. A time filled with so many unforgettable, special moments full of love with our Gracie… but still an endless heartbreaking pain that cannot be fixed.

There are 2 ways I can look at and remember the last month with my daughter. Both end with a never-ending, heartbreaking pain that will never leave. Both end with questions- Why did this happen? Did we do the right thing? What would Gracie look like and be doing at almost 4 years old? All these feelings and questions are there each and every day. We sometimes get lost in the sad, harsh memories and sometimes savor in the good memories. It’s the life and reality of a parent who has had to watch their child battle a terminal illness.
We are very thankful to the Brave Will Foundation for helping us celebrate Gracie’s 1st angel birthday last year. They taught us that it is very helpful to have a plan for that day. This year we will make a plan and celebrate Gracie’s life and try to remember all the good times and happy memories. The sad, harsh memories will always be there, they were a part of what happened and it was the reality of the situation. But the good and happy memories will also always be there, as they were also a part of what happened and the reality of the situation. I hope not to dwell or get lost in the sad and harsh memories, but instead I hope that we as a family can look at and remember all the good and happy memories Gracie gave us. We will get through January, we will get through January 17th and we will do our best to remember and cherish all of our memories.