How did I get here? As I sat down to watch TV the other night there was a picture frame out of place and in my view of the TV. I stopped and looked at the picture for a moment and got lost in it. It was a picture of Geoff and I when we were young, in our 20’s, tan, skinny (lol) and having the time of our lives at a wedding in Jackson Hole, WY. We were dating at the time and looked so happy and carefree. My how our lives have changed, and how or why did our lives go down a path no one wants to go down? I looked at that picture of Geoff and I and instead of thinking “Wow, how did we end up with 2 beautiful children that are 5 and 6 years old, a great house, a great family and a great life”, I thought, “How did we end up here? How did we get handed a life where our daughter dies a terrible death from cancer and doesn’t make it to her 5th birthday”? We were so young, so happy, and so carefree- we never saw this coming. In that picture I saw love, happiness, energy. I now look at us and see love, sadness, emptiness and plain tiredness.
I’m sure I’m not alone when it comes to thinking about or reminiscing about the days past when looking at pictures. It’s just a little different for a parent who has lost a child. I’m sure we all do the same thing with our kids, especially around their birthdays. Most people look at old pictures and can’t believe how time flies and how they’ve changed and look so grown up. I look at the pictures of Gracie on my walls that will never change. Gracie will always be under 2 years old in every picture I have. I will never have a 2, 3, 4, or 5-year-old picture to look at.

Gracie would be 5 years old on April 14th. Since Gracie’s death her birthday has always fallen on a weekend or during my spring break. This year it will fall on a Tuesday, a day of school and work. I really thought I’d be ok going to work. It’s been over 3 years and I can handle this, right? Wrong. When your child’s birthday approaches a parent starts to think how are we going to celebrate, what kind of party will she want, who to invite, where to have it, what present to get them… and more. I don’t have to worry about any of that, Gracie isn’t here to do any of this. I should be able to handle this. But I am wrong. My mind has been consumed with wishing I could do all of this for my baby’s 5th birthday. I’m not going to lie, the last few weeks have been hard and I can’t help but tear up and get mad whenever I think of her 5th birthday. A very special day for a parent and a child is now one of the hardest days of my life to get through. And once again I think- How did I get here?

There are at least 2 days a year that are extremely hard on us as a family. One of them is the anniversary of the day our child became an angel. No matter how many years go by, the anniversary date of when our child died brings back deep emotional memories and painful feelings. The second is her birthday. We still count birthdays and fantasize what Gracie would be like if she were still living. Birthdays are especially hard for us. Our hearts ache to celebrate our child’s arrival into this world, but we are left becoming intensely aware of the hole in our hearts instead.

So this year I’ve decided I cannot go to work on Gracie’s birthday. As much as I want to, I know I won’t make it through the day. I know when I leave work I won’t be able to come home, kiss my birthday girl, make her a special dinner and eat birthday cake with her. But I also won’t sit around and cry all day. We will do something good and productive in her memory. We will head to the Ronald McDonald House in Albany and cook and serve lunch there in honor of Gracie’s 5th birthday.

I am still not sure of how I got here, but I wouldn’t take back that special day we brought Gracie into this world for anything. Happy birthday sweet girl, I hope heaven is throwing you a big party.