It’s so cold outside. Every time I visit Gracie’s grave all I can think about is how cold it is outside and how her body must be freezing below my feet. It’s an awful feeling. I long to go to her gravesite to be near her and once I get there all I can think about is how my baby is buried, 6 feet under in a casket. She’s got her pink fleece dress on with warm tights. And I keep thinking, why didn’t I put her in her warm, fuzzy pajamas? She’s got her blankets and her bunny, her pillow, some stuffed animals, and a rosary in her hand. She’s all comfy, right? And then it hits. She’s dead. She’s been dead for 3 years. It’s cold, it’s dark and all I want to do is grab a shovel and get her out of there. I want to hold her, to comfort her, to make things better….and I can’t. It’s a horrible feeling as a parent to know you can’t help or save your child. A feeling of helplessness sets in. I feel sorry for myself, for my family, for my Gracie. The flashbacks of watching my baby suffer, her pain, our pain, the decisions we had to make, and then the why’s. Why did this happen? Why didn’t Gracie get a miracle? Why did she have to get a cancer with no known treatments? Why didn’t she survive? These are all questions that absolutely no one can answer. It’s something that can drive me crazy….insane. Insane as thinking I can dig my daughter out of her grave and she’ll look and be ok.
Some pretty dark moments here that I’m sharing with you. You’re probably wondering why I’m sharing them. I share them because when these moments finally pass, I’m proud. I’m proud that in these dark times Geoff and I can find our way out of them. We’ve realized we can’t let these horrible memories overshadow the tons of great memories we had. We can’t let the horrible thoughts interfere with the bright future we can have as a family or we will get lost. Over the last 3 years we’ve learned it’s ok to feel this way as long as we can find our way out of the darkness. How do we find our way out? It’s simple- Faith, Hope and Love.
Faith. We have faith that Gracie’s ok. We have to believe Gracie is in a place where she is safe and where we will see her again. For us, that place is Heaven. We know that we want to see Gracie again one day in Heaven and for this reason our faith helps get us through our rough times.
Hope. Hope changes everything. Hope can take the horrible sadness we feel and can change it into something positive. For us that’s Amazing Gracie’s Gift. Hope comes from this foundation we have built. It gives us strength and reason to keep going and helping others in Gracie’s name. We hang onto the hope that we can make a difference in lives and hope that one day there will be a cure for cancer.
Love. The love from our family and friends has been non-stop. It supports us and can get us through anything. Plain and simple- You are all awesome and we love you back ☺
January 17th is our Gracie’s angel day. It’s so cold outside, but we have Faith, Hope and Love to get us through it.
You should be so proud of your work to help other “Gracie’s”. It helps them and you! My thoughts and prayers.
There are no words. Praying for you, your family and your Angel Gracie.
God bless you…….
Thinking of you
My thoughts and prayers for Gracie and her family!
I am so sorry for your loss, it is awful to see your child suffering. Rest in peace sweet angel. You are always in my prayers.
All I can say is what. What a privilege it is to read such inspiring words in the midst of such horrible loss. Thanks for sharing from the bottom of your heart what must have been difficult to type.
Thoughts and prayers…it must be a terrible feeling to know this incredible loss, but you have and are helping so many and that is Gracie’s legacy. She is safe and warm in Heaven and in
God’s arms…God bless…
I will keep you all in my prayers. You are such an inspiration to all those who know the pain of loss. May you be blessed with God’s peace, love & strength.
Ive thought those thoughts too, your not alone. Shitty stuff happens and theres nothing we can do to change it so all we can do is change the things we can and enjoy each other.
Lisa, You are a true inspiration! Prayers
My name is Jennifer I lost my daughter when she was two years old in 1995. I’m trying to think back to three years after while I’m reading your article. I can tell you I understand I felt this way many times and it is very hard to describe the heart wrenching pain that you go through. after almost 20 years I still do feel that pain yet it is better I think one of the reasons why it is better is because of a lot of the reasons you had mentioned my love her go so deep I can’t imagine her being gone from me forever. my faith although lacking at times has been reinforced by visions that I have had with her in it. Dreams if you may where I have woken up and I can still feel her, smell her, taste her kisses on my lips. Only a mother can describe the sweetness from longing for a touch.
I believe in heaven above. I believe that they are all around us and we can feel them when we let go of our stresses and pay attention. Meditate.
I don’t “see” her often in the way that I had the first few years after her death. I had an experience while pregnant with my 2nd daughter where my deceased Amanda basically handed me my daughter while walking away into the ocean waving good bye. I woke up drenched and in labor … My water broke .
I could smell my daughters hair still . The daughter I was to give birth to was identical to the vision and I had no previous knowledge the baby was a girl until the “dream”. Your baby is never cold, never wanting, and infinitely loved you can be sure of that. She is always with you . ️Hugs and prayers and I’m sorry to welcome you into the grieving mothers club. May you find peace
God Bless you
Keep all those great memory’s close to your heart, sometimes we can’t find answers but I do believe someday this all will make sense, not here on earth but I think in heaven we will understand. May God bless you and your family !
Your grief, anxiety, and questions are a sign of the depth of your love. Your grief is a personal thing, and as your love for her will live in your hearts last beat. Gracie’s life was more than one moment in time and there is no dictated moment to grieve your loss. Find peace in your faith, until you hold her once more.